Jesse’s Lost Journal — by Mark Patton

I am not sure if I am in jail, hell or a hospital… the blood is gone but I can still see it. There are bodies everywhere. I now know that this will be read. I do not even know where to begin… perhaps with the face I see in my mind at the moment and that is Tom, Lisa’s Dad… if he could have seen what was really coming he would have put the shotgun in his mouth and blown his head off.

I went to Ron because I knew I would be safe there… you see the rule was that there would be no killing of people I love and yes I loved Ron so I thought that was the best course to take.

I begged him not to go to sleep, so in my deepest mind I must have known not to trust Fred but I know he needs me, my body, so I made a mistake. Ron was not my lover as many assumed, we had a different bond. I could have crossed a line with him and we would have lost a lifetime… I thought I had forever, we had forever, you see I lead Fred away from my true love.

When Ron was dead, so quickly and simply… his Father keening on the other side of the door, Fred laughing at me, mocking me… That was the moment I felt betrayed and the war began for real. In that instant I thought of the PROBE Game that Nancy left for me… define Probe, to go deeper, to seek… she left me the pictures of her dead lover, I should have known that there would be no bargains made or honored.

Of course everyone now believes I killed Ron in a rage of passion… that’s how it will be written. Not true, Fred killed him with my hands because Fred has to kill every man that cares for me, in any way. I have to stop, the nurse is coming, he is very nice and gave me the paper but I know it is really so they can read this. That’s OK. I know there is no real blood on this paper but I see it and it is his… I had to run to Lisa, she was the only hope I had.