Jesse’s Lost Journal — by Mark Patton

It has been a few weeks since I have written here. I have been extremely busy with the show, which opens tomorrow. I am hesitant to write after my last confessions because perhaps I offended you. I am sorry, but the story comes with a price and now you have to pay it. Do you think I could be surrounded by all this evil and not be affected?

Place yourself in my life, I have asked you to do this before and I will again. Do you see a solution, something that will allow me to be this sweet innocent that the film portrayed me as? I am sorry to play with your illusions; bedtime stories always have a happy ending. I am afraid you are in for a disappointment or two. I am on edge 24 hours a day, I live with Fred inside me, inside my mind, my breath, blood, soul… always aware that at any moment he could overpower me and kill or worse, and there is worse than killing, you know. They just did not show you that part in the film. So if I am confused, forgive me. Look, I change from day to day, like you. One day I am brave and fearless, the next I am hiding from myself. This is the way my life is. I want to live, I do what it takes to stay alive… sometimes that seems selfish but it is what I have to work with.

Colin showed me the layout for Vogue; he is very sly and very kind. The “story”, “The Making of an Icon” is really about me. Mark Patton is very present but the story is about me as an artist. Beautiful photos and throughout the article there are also photos he took of me in my studio, unaware as I painted. They quote Andy Worhol, Patti and they have a comment by Mark and a photo of him in my studio looking at my paintings.. .it seems he is now on the list to buy from me.

The opening tomorrow should be quite an event, with food and drink, celebrities I have never met… Colin says be prepared to be strobed and to be prepare for life to change forever. I am ready for my life to change… I just wish I could chose the direction but it seems I cannot. It is as I said before… my destiny.