The moment the door to the studio closed I fell to the floor, patient filled with a tiredness I had never known before. Grief flooded my being and I began to cry. I felt truly safe for the first time since I left Ron’s bedroom the night of his murder. Until this moment I have had no home, no door… nothing, no safe place to grieve.
You may think I am a hard person but again I had no choice if I were to survive. You may put yourself in my place and believe you would have done better that me; that would be your fantasy. Have a cold steel blade stuck in your eye, a burned hand caress your face, have that man plead to enter you in the most personal way… via your soul. Have this man murder people you love by your hand and then have this same demon save you from an eternity of hell… and then tell me what you would do?
Who you would feel sorry for?
I have become hard; I will stay that way until my life is through. There will be no happy ending here… I will survive and I will have my revenge, I will create a life for myself… but at the end of the day… this will always be my story, I will always be afraid, I will never rest… I will be judged forever by people who assume they would have done more, been more.
I am Jesse, this is my life and this is a moment I allow myself to weep. I will then get up and go about the business of making my art and my home. I have great plans for the space… I will divide it into dark and light like my life… but for now I make the new bed up, so it is nice… it will be the first I have slept on in years.
The guy that looks like Grady, well I bumped into him again… he is completely different than Ron but almost looks the same… his name is Colin, he is from London and is also an artist of sorts… he takes photos for magazines like Vogue and GQ, he is funny… he said since we were always running into each other…that it was fated by the angels that we should become friends… so to seal the deal we are eating dinner and then seeing a movie together, again the first time I have done these normal type things in years. The movie is a Midnight show of something called A Nightmare on Elm Street… sounds like my life. I hope it is funny, I could use a laugh.