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Jesse’s Lost Journal — by Mark Patton

Entry 46, 1982

Last night I dreamed of Elm Street, it was a very mixed up dream… I am certain that I did not know most of the kids in the dream. Strange little scenes, Marge at an AA meeting, telling her tale of drunkenness and being met with hisses and boos… someone said “You drunk, lying bitch.” My Mother taking sleeping pills, maybe 50 or so…. she was crying so hard and I could tell she was very scared and lonely, then she went to bed… screaming sounds filled her mind. My father hanging in a cell. Fire everywhere. Lisa being put in the trunk of a car and driven off into the night chased by a pack of wild dogs. Nancy was doing yoga. I told you it was a strange dream.

Fred walking a red carpet and killing every good looking guy in the crowd and then me, bathed in a golden light… I enter into Nancy’s mind and see that she thinks I am dead. That for some reason someone said I cut my eyelids off to stay awake and died from the infection… I tried to let her know but there is a wall between us. I woke up screaming and my body was on fire, I was bleeding at the hip again so the underwear had been sliced and covered in blood as was the bed.

I stood up like a zombie, walked to my paints and began painting the canvass, first with my blood and then the paints. I painted the beginning of the portrait for Andy Warhol. The painting is 7 feet by 7 feet, huge. I guess Colin is right and I am vain… but really aren’t we all? My life is huge and surreal.

I will tell you that there are many people walking around on this planet that have stories similar to mine, some much worse. Sometimes I can hear what people are thinking but only people in deep trouble. It is not a talent I want to develop… it is too much, it would drive me mad.

Fred was whispering to me that we needed to kill the boy down the hall, he is a great talent… Fred says he will never get better and if we kill him now he will be famous forever, just like James Dean. This boy is an actor and I want no part of this but I know it is a done deal… as one night he will take me and use my body to kill him, I wonder what the last thing he will see… me, Fred, Heaven, Angels, Hell…. I was going to see his film tonight and then to a party… now I think I will pass.

The day after Halloween Colin invited me to go on a shoot with him… we are going to Germany, it will be cold so my coat will get worn! After Germany we are going to take a couple of days in the Virgin Islands to get a tan,, before you know it my show will start… I am not sure where that will lead but Sid says I should be prepared for it to go either way. This my first show but I know in my heart that it will go very well…. it is all in the plan.

Please do not think I am immune too the suffering of Fred’s victims, I am not but right now there is nowhere to turn, nothing to do… so I shut off that part of life… we all do that with things we do not want to deal with… I am sure you do.

Jesse’s Lost Journals

~ Preface ~

Jesse's Lost Journals
© by Mark Patton. All Rights Reserved.

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