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Jesse’s Lost Journal — by Mark Patton

Entry 54, 1985

A knock at my door woke me. The movers are here to take the paintings. That means I have slept a day and one half. I had strange but normal unrelated dreams. I dreamed about two movie stars who where homeless, ailment a very sensual dream but sad.

Anyway, here here they are packing away my life, which will now be put on display for the world to see. It is only 15 blocks to Soho and the gallery but as for a career it is a thousand mile leap. My connection to the building, Patti Smith, my agent, Colin, Vogue and Andy Warhol buying two paintings has thrown me into the serious art world… it seems the list for request for early viewing of the paintings is becoming a who’s who in the museum and collecting world. There is really nothing left to buy and I am well off (at least in my world a $100,000 dollars is a lot of money).

When the men have packed up and left, I am left with many feelings and an empty studio… only a blank canvas and a bed remain. My blood, my paints wait.
I do have some foreboding about the paintings and a sickly feeling about painting number 1. The moving men left me a receipt and a package from the agent. Inside is Patti’s names for my paintings… number 1 “The sins of the Father will be visited on the Son”. I just close the program; I do not need to see anymore. I understand completely. Does it phase me that there will be a new murder connected to each painting? No, not at all. Will I try to interfere, I am not sure… it depends on the crime.

At this moment I wonder if I am in fact crazy and if Fred is really me or if there is a me and only Fred exists… I remember me before but that Jesse seems like a young friend I use to know, I think of him fondly but he is the past. I am Jesse now, even by a different name I am Jesse, I own this life.

A storm is now brewing outside as I begin to dress for the day. I choose to dress like Rimbaud. I have recently read “A Season in Hell” so why not! Although Arthur Rimbaud never bathed, that is not for me. Clean! Clean! The effect of blood on one’s hands… you just cannot bathe enough.

I am ready to walk out into the world again, I am ready for what I know is coming, I will weep for what is past… soon I will be very famous in a certain part of the universe. But at night, deep, deep in the night I will witness something that will last forever. I will go to Hell with Freddy, I will try and save some and let others fall. I will try to find Nancy and then we will kill him. I think that is the moment I die too… but that is fine. I will feel dead by then anyway.

For now I live! Off to Colin for food, for love, for sex, for life! I will live well and enjoy what I have here. Then we will fall as far as we fall.

Jesse’s Lost Journals

~ Preface ~

Jesse's Lost Journals
© by Mark Patton. All Rights Reserved.

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