October 30, advice 1985. My worst dreams have come true. I just saw A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge and I am completely wrecked. I know they found my first journal because so much of it is there on the screen, everything about me.
Watching Mark Patton was like looking at myself, I feel like we are the same person. Of course they tried to make light of certain things and the killings could never be as gruesome as the real thing. I am very confused, so forgive me.
When Grady was killed in the film, I broke down completely. That was just the way he died, very simply, gutted. My body was just revolting at what was happening on the screen. They made my father a joke, my dad was a very scary man, he was rough with my mother and the entire family… I guess they could not show how scary our home was even before Freddy. I miss my mother so much right now, she would have hated this. Hope Lange was really good, I wish I knew her as she really reminded me of mom.
There were stupid things, like something happening with birds that I did not get… maybe I was too far gone by then. The dreams, the horror, my night time heat, sweating and decline… it is all there. The school and the coach started like a dream but I can attest to what really happened and it was like that only much worse. The man wanted to kill me, the vibe was very dark and nasty and I think if they showed how that really went down it would be rated X. I am still glad he is dead and I still thank Fred for that, it is the only thing I thank him for.
My Lisa, I can not even talk about her, they let her live and she saved me… when in fact I killed her and that makes me damned. I am more certain everyday that much of my life is being controlled by something and not everything I believe is true. I think she is alive and now I have to know. I felt like I was coming out of a trance… Fred is a bastard, all through the film he was trying to break through and take me. Not happening right now, I am stronger and I know the tricks. I am not sure what would happen if I let him out.
I ran from the theatre, I grabbed the newspapers and of course it is everywhere… from the New York Times to People magazine and the boy he just is me. I went to a salon and had them dye my hair black and cut it short. I bought a bunch of black clothes… tonight I have some brown contacts and I am going to wear them. YES, I am going… it is dangerous but I can not resist. I will have to be honest with Colin, it is the only way to save our relationship… he will most likely run in horror. I am totally wired.
I meet Colin at four, it is two now. I must calm down. The people were laughing and screaming and having a great time, if they only knew death was inches away. Every show in New York is SOLD OUT; there will be thousands of people seeing this. I have to calm down. Even if Colin dumps me, I am running to Europe tomorrow. I cannot be here right now.
My God this is totally fucked… do I never get to be free, happy… is everything supposed to be taken from me? I am still a kid, this is not fair. I am going to paint because it is the only relief I have.